Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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