im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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