My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My ass is underappreciated
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize