they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
this just has baby written all over it
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I am available for nakedness
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
