I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
