So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
