Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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