The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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