At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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