Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
