I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
