Moan for me like Helen Keller
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
