Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize