youre lurking in front of me
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
