Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize