There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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