I accidentally had phone sex last night
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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