did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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