when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
someone owes me an orgasm
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
