last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
