I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
