She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
