Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
