he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Vodka?
Forever.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
