How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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