she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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