I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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