I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
