Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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