I CAN MOONWALK!
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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