Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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