I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize