If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
