I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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