omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
