if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
