had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
