i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
