Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize