bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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