You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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