Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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