I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
