Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
