I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Randomize
