Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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