i wish peter jackson would direct porn
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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