can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
