My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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