Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
