can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
