why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
