I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
