So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
