My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize