Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
