I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
