My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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