I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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