I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
