I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
