OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
